If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Can you bring me the toilet please
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
