In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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