In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
