She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
