I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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