it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
