I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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