She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
