I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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