I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Randomize
