really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
