My nipple is on Facebook.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
