His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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