you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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