Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
