She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
