I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
