so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
