I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
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He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
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I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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