how hairy? two words: wookie tits
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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