I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
