Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
