What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
