you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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