Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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