I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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