Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
