I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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