Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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