I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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