He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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