woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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