RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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