haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
