Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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