I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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