i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
