dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
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He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
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I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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