I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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