My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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