i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
