Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
