Duck Duck Cougar?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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