***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
