Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
