Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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