So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
