girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
