I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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