So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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