Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
