why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
