Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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