He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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