dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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