I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
