My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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