I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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