We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
