From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
